Modelling

I was having a discussion with my husband recently over some sticky family stuff and actually said this sentence, "You know, this is who I am. And I'm not going to change." I felt a shiver of fear when the words came out of my mouth. But it was true. I pressed on, "It might be rigid. But I have been very successful in my life because of this rigidity." And its true.

I was admitting to passing judgment on someone. It wasn't very Buddhist of me, but this person had crossed a line: one of decency, kindness and civility. For those that make it into my inner circle, there is an undying sense of loyalty that you get from me. Only the truest, most dear are valued in this way - and I will defend you to the end. I can't help it. I'm just that way. Hurt these people and I am done with you. I don't bother with anger. I'm just done. Judgment is passed and there is no way to change my mind.

I have felt bad about this rigidity in the past. My father is this way. I know it comes from him. But his rigidity doesn't allow for an inner circle. Even children are "eliminated" for what he perceives as a slight. I am not this way. Blood is thicker than water. And friends can become family. When things in my life have been so conditional, friends have to be eligible for "family" status. I value them, desperately. And I don't let them go.

There is a Buddhist writing that says that we have all known each other before. People in your life have been with you over and over again - but in different roles. This is the way you learn from each incarnation to the next - playing out the same dramas each time until you don't do it anymore. I am aware of this and keep it in mind.

At a certain point, however, you have to just accept who you are and be happy with it. I have to model behavior for my daughter. I want her to accept herself, wholesale. I want her to know when she's wrong but accept who she is. It is very liberating to say, "I'm wrong." At a certain point, though, we have to just stop that inner critical voice and say, "I'm good. I'm my own best friend. I'm okay with that." And so, I accept who I am - all angles, hard edges. With a soft, gooey center. Call me 'Sabra.' Hear me roar.