So, I made it. The three days went by rather quick, actually. And in an interesting turn: I hit the wall on Wednesday. Come Thursday, I was fine. Really fine! By the time we went to pick up my husband on Friday, I was sure that I could have gone another three days! I no longer will have any fear about him leaving. And I have to say, I'm a little proud of myself for this! Not to sound corny, but most importantly, I have a deeper connection with my kiddo. We're definitely closer.
But the bad part - and you knew there was a "but" - the adjustment to my husband's return was a little rough. And I am - frankly - horrified by that. I fancy myself to be an independent woman. Very independent. Always have. My hard-as-steel grandmother told me these words when I was 22: "If you can't take care of yourself and find everything you need in this world within you, then what's the fucking point?!" And she was right. I live by this and will pass this on to Nico. And while I had accepted my limitations on the Mom-front (i.e., really needing him at the end of the day), this trip proved to me that I'm okay by myself - even with a 3 yr-old. I am malleable. I am still that uber-strong woman - hear me roar! And I do still have an ability to bend and flex. Truthfully, I needed the validation. What bothered me was that all of these things proved that the "old" independent, pre-child me is still there - still pushing against needing someone. I was in therapy for years to learn how to co-exist, rely, need someone. If I hadn't, I would have ended up as one of those "cougar" women - using men for my own "fun," never letting anyone in. I would have never evolved into what I am proud to be now.
Within the first hour of Bob's return, I was annoyed - like a kitty having her fur rubbed the wrong way. His energy, his cynicism, his vibe just pissed me off. I couldn't get behind it. The mother-earth view I have of the daily world/reality is not something Bob and I have in common. And, as usual, that irritated me. As is typical, we argued, I cried, we avoided each other for a few hours. And then Nico went to bed and we couldn't avoid each other anymore. We didn't "talk it through." We didn't apologize. We didn't really do anything. He painted. I talked on the phone with a good friend. And I finished the night by telling my sister, "I just have to sleep on it."
And sure enough. Today is better. He hasn't annoyed me at all today. Well. Maybe a little - but nothing more than usual.
The interesting thing is: While he was away, I slept terribly. Nico woke up WAY earlier than usual (7:00). And she went to bed WAY too early (at 8:00, which is crazy for my sleepless child). Last night, she was asleep WAY too late (9:15) AND...AND! She slept until 9:30 this morning (an oh-so-rare occurrence)! And I slept fantastic!
Bottom line/Lesson I have learned: 1) I am still me, despite being a mother. 2) I am a strong woman and find the man in my life to be annoying, as I should, frankly - or at least according to my grandmother. 3) The "habit" of Bob is exactly that, a habit, a comfort, a reality, a good thing - but not a crutch. I do fine if I'm left alone. I could pull off this Mommy gig by myself - god forbid I should ever have to (knock on wood). Essentially, I can cover my own ass. And that is good. My grandmother would smile.