I own my own company. Its an architectural conservation firm that specializes in the conservation of North American architectural wood . The ailing economy has hit the field of architectural preservation pretty hard. No. That's an understatement. It has DECIMATED my field. I haven't had a call for a project in over a year. Its bad. As a professional woman, that spent a LOT of money on her higher education at Columbia, I NEED to work. I'll admit it: it validates me. AND, I like the money - and I made a lot of it. However, I've learned to roll with this a little. You know...don't get into that scarcity mentality too much.
I have made it known in a very casual way (to many colleagues) that I would give my right arm for a teeny tiny part-time gig - like 8 to 10 hours a week of conservation work. And nothing has turned up. Nothing.
And then, in the past 6 weeks, I have received requests for my resume for a job in Berlin, one in Italy and - my dream job - the Antarctic, working on Shakleton's hut. Oh-my-god, this is killing me! I had another email today asking if I would be interested in a 6 week assignment in Brazil? Really?! Seriously?! I can't do it. I can't. Its choking me. Suffocating me. I know opportunities like this will come again. And the Buddhist in me believes that I'm being tested. But crap! This isn't fair! Shoot me now.
Many of you know that I am the primary care giver of my kiddo. I run our house, now, like the master project manager I was before child. Without me, lord knows what would happen. Seriously. I have been a supportive partner in letting my husband's career take the driver's seat over mine - due to the economy. And let's be real, I'm not a person inclined to major upheaval: moving my kid to Europe isn't my style. She has a good school, amazing teachers, friends, a new big-girl bed! And the Antarctic, well...that's really out of the question - much to my chagrin. If you can't finish something, don't start it...I've always said.
But I'm choking on all this! I can't stand having a problem I can't solve. And THIS is a whopper! I know its just a few more years and I can travel more freely with my kid. Until then, I am totally preoccupied with the overwhelming stifling nature of being a stay-at-home mom! At times, I feel I will do something drastic! What? I don't know. But I would almost welcome anything to break up this monotony! Its horrible!
On the other hand, my child thrives in the constant stability I provide her with. She has confidence and security that I can't sacrifice to my own "selfish" (okay, I don't really believe its selfish) impulses. But the whole world beckons! Its there! Taunting me with its possibilities! When will the torment end?!!!
Maybe its the Spring. Damn.
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| Me, hanging off the facade, eight stories up, of a cast iron building in Soho, NYC |
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| You can't see me, but I'm on one of those rigs, hanging off the Empire State building. |
1 comment:
Those do sound like some cool opportunities. It is difficult to have cool things presented to you that you are unable or unwilling to do.
You are choosing to do something that is more important to you, though, so at least you have that comfort...
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