So, I made it. The three days went by rather quick, actually. And in an interesting turn: I hit the wall on Wednesday. Come Thursday, I was fine. Really fine! By the time we went to pick up my husband on Friday, I was sure that I could have gone another three days! I no longer will have any fear about him leaving. And I have to say, I'm a little proud of myself for this! Not to sound corny, but most importantly, I have a deeper connection with my kiddo. We're definitely closer.
But the bad part - and you knew there was a "but" - the adjustment to my husband's return was a little rough. And I am - frankly - horrified by that. I fancy myself to be an independent woman. Very independent. Always have. My hard-as-steel grandmother told me these words when I was 22: "If you can't take care of yourself and find everything you need in this world within you, then what's the fucking point?!" And she was right. I live by this and will pass this on to Nico. And while I had accepted my limitations on the Mom-front (i.e., really needing him at the end of the day), this trip proved to me that I'm okay by myself - even with a 3 yr-old. I am malleable. I am still that uber-strong woman - hear me roar! And I do still have an ability to bend and flex. Truthfully, I needed the validation. What bothered me was that all of these things proved that the "old" independent, pre-child me is still there - still pushing against needing someone. I was in therapy for years to learn how to co-exist, rely, need someone. If I hadn't, I would have ended up as one of those "cougar" women - using men for my own "fun," never letting anyone in. I would have never evolved into what I am proud to be now.
Within the first hour of Bob's return, I was annoyed - like a kitty having her fur rubbed the wrong way. His energy, his cynicism, his vibe just pissed me off. I couldn't get behind it. The mother-earth view I have of the daily world/reality is not something Bob and I have in common. And, as usual, that irritated me. As is typical, we argued, I cried, we avoided each other for a few hours. And then Nico went to bed and we couldn't avoid each other anymore. We didn't "talk it through." We didn't apologize. We didn't really do anything. He painted. I talked on the phone with a good friend. And I finished the night by telling my sister, "I just have to sleep on it."
And sure enough. Today is better. He hasn't annoyed me at all today. Well. Maybe a little - but nothing more than usual.
The interesting thing is: While he was away, I slept terribly. Nico woke up WAY earlier than usual (7:00). And she went to bed WAY too early (at 8:00, which is crazy for my sleepless child). Last night, she was asleep WAY too late (9:15) AND...AND! She slept until 9:30 this morning (an oh-so-rare occurrence)! And I slept fantastic!
Bottom line/Lesson I have learned: 1) I am still me, despite being a mother. 2) I am a strong woman and find the man in my life to be annoying, as I should, frankly - or at least according to my grandmother. 3) The "habit" of Bob is exactly that, a habit, a comfort, a reality, a good thing - but not a crutch. I do fine if I'm left alone. I could pull off this Mommy gig by myself - god forbid I should ever have to (knock on wood). Essentially, I can cover my own ass. And that is good. My grandmother would smile.
3 comments:
I remember the first time I had to come in to work at 7am for a meeting, when I hadn't done that in the 18 months Anna was alive. Then when I pulled it all off (the schedule insanity) I was elated! I was pre-me! I could DO THIS! What a silly thing, it was just making it to a 7am meeting, dressed and alert, but it was still some glimmer of the old me! Still capable. Funny now that I think about it, everytime I do something like that, I think "like the old me!!!" I think it might be that way for a very long time. Kudos to you!!!!
Thanks, Tara! You are one of the rock-stars in my "mom" world! You DO make things look impossibly easy. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not alone with what feels a teeny bit silly.
For the past couple of summers Tim has had to work in Maine. I dreaded it at first, thinking that I wouldn't make it through the week. But as the weeks went on it seemed to reverse. I did just fine with it being me and Hannah, and when he came back it was actually harder instead of easier. When it was just her and I, it was quieter, I didn't have to cook as much, there was less laundry, we were in bed earlier and things just ran smoother. I was really starting to enjoy my independence and the two days that he would be home tended to take away from all that. It did take a bit of adjusting on my part when those jobs were done to get back into the routine of things with him around. Thankfully, I think, he didn't have to work there this summer. But I must admit, the single life was a breath of fresh air.
Post a Comment