Probably the biggest misconception I had about having a child was the lack of sleep. I used to talk to my sister, Alisa, after my second niece (her second daughter) was born and listen to her say, "Lord, I had a rough night last night!" But I had no idea what she really meant. Sleep has always been something elusive to me. As I've gotten older, I have to take a fair amount of medications to make sleep "stick" through the night. According to my dad, I've always been a crappy sleeper - from day one - but I didn't take him seriously. How bad a sleeper could a child really be? So, when everyone told me that sleep is the one thing you will miss SO desperately, I thought: Oh, please. I've always operated on little or no sleep. It is something I do well. Having a child will work right in with that. Oh. What a fool. I was.
From the moment Nico was born, my doula said, "Wow! Look at how alert she is!!" All the postpartum nurses said the same thing. I thought this was a good thing. Right? Damn.
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While I apologize for the boob shot, notice how awake this child is, moments after birth! So I was in no way ready for the nightmare of sleep deprivation that came next. Holy crap. I NEVER knew I could be so tired!! NEVER! I had run the gambit of sleep-deprived situations in my life: Columbia's architecture program, writing a dissertation, 20-something NYC party-girl...Cake. All of it. Nothing was this bad. Nothing. I remember a pediatrician appointment when Nico was about 6 weeks old. There had to be something wrong with this child! In a 24-hour period, she had slept about 25 minutes. I told the doctor this...and she didn't seem phased. "Are you fucking kidding me?!" I gasped. "Some children aren't great sleepers," was her calm, patronizing reply. The nightmare continued. Not only would she wake up a dozen times a night, she would wake up early, full of laughs and giggles.    It just wouldn't end! I couldn't get a reprieve! Finally, once I put her in her own crib at five months, she slept. Through the night. For four glorious months. And she would take this great three-hour nap in the morning with me. It was heaven. And then it started again. Night after night. Twice a night. Sometimes every hour. And it lasted for months! And then, miraculously, God would take pity on me, and she would sleep. A desperate, exhausted call to my dad one day yielded some interesting information. He said, "This is the exact same way you were. Exactly! You were a terrible sleeper! I used to rock and rock you for hours, saying softly, 'Please go to sleep.' And you would just giggle and coo at me." I went cold with these words. Shit. Its hereditary. There's nothing wrong with my kid! Its just me! I developed the habit of taking pictures of her when she wouldn't sleep - especially at naps. Here are a few 'doosies' when I was particularly tired.    The number pf pictures I have taken of this child in the middle of the night or on a day when she should have been sleeping are too numerous to post. Suffice to say: there are three years worth. Deep down - in a secret part of my brain - I know why I don't sleep. The answer is simple: I may miss something. Why sleep when the whole world will pass you by?! Granted, I don't feel this way anymore. But it took having a kid to arrive at this. I can't begrudge my kid for this feeling. Its the one thing that's driven me to every success, adventure, risk I've ever taken. Some of my most alive moments have been when everyone else is asleep! My writing is done at night. The best movies are on...in the middle of the night. Of course she doesn't want to sleep: Life may pass her by. So. What to do. Answer: Just be tired. Very tired. And know that my kid will share my fate of sleeplessness. She will accomplish great things - when everyone else is asleep. And will have epiphanies at 2:30 in the morning. She will watch the sun come up in Pompeii while smoking a joint. She will cross the Brooklyn Bridge in a limo at 4am and think "I couldn't be more alive right now!" She will feel the pulse of the sleeping world while inhaling the night air. Until then, her mother will continue to ass-drag herself down the stairs at 2:45 in the morning to tell her, "We aren't going to talk about the friggin' Tooth Fairy right now." Yawn! |
3 comments:
Nico is bound for great things in life with you as her momma. :)
I said the same thing about Hannah when she was a baby. She never slept and I always said it's because she didn't want to miss a thing. She always wanted to be where I was. I don't think it was necessarily because she wanted to be near me, but because she wanted to see what I was seeing. The sleep deprivation sucks. I remember when Hannah was probably less than a month old and I was driving Tim and I to the grocery store and was hallucinating while I was driving because I was sooooo tired. I would have my mom come over late into the night sometimes when Hannah just wouldn't give in and I just couldn't stay up one minute more. Falling asleep while nursing her was another one of my talents. Tim would wake me up in the middle of her nursing. Even now, she would stay up all night if I let her without a problem. Many a weekend or summer night will it be 11pm before I know it and she is still right with me wide awake. She definitely doesn't want to miss out on a minute of life. :)
Oh man, DD. So you know exactly what I mean. Its bad. Glad to know I don't have the only sleepless wonder, too. And I became a pro at nursing while laying down. Alisa taught me the magic of that - thank GOD!
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